Australia IV – Australian Fauna – it’s either too freaken cute or too fucken deadly

I remembered I had an Australian Series going.  It only took me nine months to remember, so that’s not too bad.  Right?

Some of our native wildlife.

Platypus (Ornithorhynchus anatinus)

Politically correct organisations must love the platypus because of its oddities and diversity.

They have the bill and webbed feet of a duck, the body of an otter, and the tail of god knows what.  In all honesty, it looks like they were randomly tossed together and allowed to live.

The Platypus has a woolly furred coat and range from 30cm to 45cms in length and the tail about 10 to 15 cms. Their woolly furred coat actually has three different layers. The first layer keeps the animal warm, by trapping air, the second layer which provides an insulating coat for the animal, and lastly the third layer of long flat hairs to detect objects close by. These creatures weigh on average between 1 to 2.4 kilograms. They have an average lifespan of 12 years, although this is rare.  Wild animals think that Platypus tastes just like chicken!

The male platypus have a hollow spur about 15 millimetres in length on the inside of both hind legs. This in turn is connected to a venom gland, and the platypus uses this spur to defend itself against predators. The venom is strong enough to can kill a small dog, or cause excruciating pain among humans.

Saltwater Crocodile (Crocodylus porosus)

The Saltwater Crocodile is the world’s largest reptile. These amazing creatures are found on the northern coast of Australia and inland for up to 100 kms or more. The Saltwater Crocodile has been reported to grow to lengths of 7 metres, but the average size of a Saltwater Crocodile is 4 metres long.  Isn’t that wonderful?

While they usually snack on whatever they can find in their territory, they have also been known to snack on people and they’ll even stalk their prey… like two unfortunate men found out back in 2003.

Interesting story… a German couple are currently trying to sue someone because their son was stupid enough to swim in an area that is teeming with saltwater crocs.  They knew enough English to enter customs, fill out the little forms to declare shit while you go through customs and book their hotel and do all sorts of touristy shit, but didn’t know enough to understand what any of these signs meant.  The stupidity of people amazes me.

Koala (Phasclarctas Cinereus)

The Koala is an icon represented when promoting Australia to the tourist industry, and in general people adore these cuddly creatures, even though most of them are riddled with Chlamydia…

There are two species, the Southern Koalas and the Northern Koalas, and Koalas feed on eucalyptus leaves, which they have a variety of twelve different species to choose from. This is basically the only thing they do eat, although there are a few exceptions but none of those exceptions are human – so far.

Koalas are often referred to as a Koala bear (and that’s pronounced koe-ah-lah, people, not kwoll-ah). However they are not a bear. The name Koala comes from an Aboriginal word. It means “no drink”, as Koalas get enough fluids through the eucalyptus leaves they feed on. Koalas are found all over east Australia, mainly in the south east.

Koalas occasionally make an extremely loud and aggressive growling noise.  They also don’t care if they pee on you.  Charming…

Huntsman Spider (Isopeda Isopedella)

The common huntsman spider is found throughout south-eastern Australia. It lives anywhere, favouring plants which will offer shelter such as ivy.  It is very common to have huntsman spiders in urban areas, and the spiders will come inside your house.

These large spiders move very quickly, they are hairy with long legs.  They often shock people who are not from Australia, as Australia has a reputation for dangerous creatures.  Due to their size (Christ, they’re so freaken big) and speed, they do manage to intimidate a lot of people.

They are also crafty buggers.  Years ago, I had one come into my house and it was so big that its legs almost wrapped around the chimney of our wood heater (the flue had a diameter of about 5 inches).  I like to save them – open every door and clear a path to the front door and then poke the spider with a broomstick, then as it’s running up the length of the broomstick (to eat me), I’ll be running to the front door and tossing the broomstick as far as I can onto the lawn and then retrieving the broom when I think the spider has scuttled off somewhere (one time I did this and the spider took up residence in our meter box and I didn’t know for three weeks.  I’m sure it was the same spider because I’m pretty sure I heard it whisper “deeeeebbbbbbb” when I screamed loud enough to bring neighbours out of their houses) but my ex decided he wanted to kill this particular Huntsman with rolled up newspaper.  Ex aimed, spider watched and when the paper should have connected with the spider, spider had moved at an alarming pace closer to the heater.  This happened several times till ex decided to grab a can of hairspray and a lighter and flame-threw the spider to death.  Nasty.

This may come as a surprise, but these little blighters aren’t deadly or poisonous.  Sure they might bite you, but all you’ll get is a bit of pain and some swelling, so pack something cold in your suitcase to relieve the swelling.

The female huntsman lays up to 200 eggs and guards these eggs, without leaving them or eating for around three weeks.  Isn’t that marvellous?  Two hundred baby Huntsman spiders just waiting to be born into Australia every time a mommy lays her eggs.  Yay!!!

Blue Bottle Jellyfish (Portuguese Man of War) (Physalia utriculus)

In Australia and New Zealand, this jellyfish is known as the blue bottle, due to its colour and shape when strewn on a beach. Elsewhere in the world it is known as the “Portuguese Man o War” as it is said to look like a Portuguese battleship with a sail.

This jellyfish is actually made up of zooids. The blue bottle is not a single organism, but made up of a number of zooids. Each zooid has a specific role and together they function as if it were an animal.

For example a number of zooids will make up the stinging tentacles, others will make up the feeding tentacles, etcetera.  It’s not just one organism after you, IT’S AN ARMY!!!

The blue bottles tentacles can range up to 10 metres in length.  Isn’t that fantastic?  10 metres of barbed goodness just waiting for you to take a dip in the ocean.  Woohooo!!!

If a tentacle attaches itself to a human, it releases a poison (through the use of nematocysts), and if you continue to rub the skin after the tentacle has been removed more poison or venom will be released. If you are stung, it is best to wash the area without touching. A cold pack should be used to relieve the pain. If stung, consult a doctor immediately.

No fatalities have ever been reported within Australia or New Zealand from the sting of a blue bottle, but I can’t say the same for tourists.  Taking vinegar to the beach would probably be a good idea, too.

Blue-Ringed Octopus (Octopodidae, Hapalochlaena)

A blue ringed octopus is only 12 cm long from the top of its body to the bottom of its tentacles. When it feels threatened, small fluorescent blue spots appear over its body. An average blue ringed octopus would weigh less than 90g.

A blue ringed octopus has a beak that forces venomous saliva into the body. For its victim it is deadly. If the blue ringed octopus is near the prey it will jump to bite, but if the prey is a distance away the blue ringed octopus would squirt the venom into the water.

Normally a blue ringed octopus would only bite if picked up, only a few times has a blue ringed octopus done otherwise.

Ten to fifteen minutes after a human has been bitten the first symptoms appear, numbness around the mouth. This will soon spread to the face and neck. By this time the person may have trouble breathing, swallowing and speaking. They will soon have nausea and vomiting. If the person is treated immediately after bitten there is a good chance they won’t live.

The blue ringed octopus is found living around the coast of Australia. It is mainly found in shallow waters and in rocky pools.  An old school friend of mine found out the hard way that, sometimes, blue ringed octopi will find themselves in an abandoned coke can (or other can).  Quite frankly, the idiot school friend shouldn’t have picked up the coke can that she found on the shore, nor should she have put it to her lips to drink it – it could have been anything.  As it was, it was the home of a blue ringed octopus, and she got bitten on her face.

She lived.

The Great White Shark (Carcharodon carcharias)

The Great White Shark or the “Great White” belongs to a group of sharks named Mackerel Sharks. Its name was derived from the shark’s white underbelly. They are solitary animals, but have also been reported to swim in pairs or groups. They are found on all coasts of Australia, and furthermore throughout the World.

They range between 3.5 to 5 metres long, and weigh on average 1,300kg. The females are large than males. The Great White is grey in colour from the top, and white underneath. They have on average 2,800 teeth in their mouth, all in rows and triangle in shape. They are slanted on an angle inwards, which helps keep hold of their prey.

Great White’s also eat animals that are already dead.  They attack their prey once, and then wait and let their prey bleed to death (Jaws got it SO wrong). They have an amazing sense of smell, and can pick up blood in water a long way away. This helps them to track down their prey, or potential prey.

Yes, they do eat people.  Lots of people really, or just parts of people – usually surfers.  At last sighting, Great Whites do not have lasers, nor can they walk on land – yet…

Red Kangaroo (Macropus rufus)

The red kangaroos is the giant of the Australian kangaroos. It is widespread over the mainland. It lives on grasses, and often lives in quite big mobs. It can leap up to five metres long in a jump and so is quite fast over short distances to escape danger.

When adult males are breeding they will often fight each other, face to face, boxing with their front paws and then giving gigantic double kicks with their back legs.  Check out the back feet on one of these suckers and see if you still think they’re cute.

Because of the climate extremes in Australia, the kangaroos have adapted to the break or bust cycles. In droughts many kangaroos will die because there is no feed at all. But in a good season the female can have three young one with her: one as an embryo just starting off and not yet born, one in the pouch who draws a special milk supply from the mother , and another just out who gets milk from a different nipple. So suddenly there can be a population explosion.

They also taste great, and no… they don’t bounce down city streets – regardless of what other people have told you.

Emu (Dromaius novaehollandiae)

The Emu is a large flightless bird. They stand to be 1.5 to 2 metres tall, and on average weight 36 kilograms. They have 3 toes, and long legs which allows them to run extremely fast. They also have a talon on each foot that has the ability to gut you in the blink of an eye.  In this species, the female is larger than the male.

Emu’s feed on grass, leaves and small insects. They live all over Australia in grasslands.  Emus also love light brown or blonde coloured hair.  A friend of mine had an emu living at her house (along with deer and peacocks) and my oldest daughter (at that time, 4) had light coloured hair.  The emu pecked at her head and through my hysterical screaming, I could hear my friend mentioning that hair that colour resembles bread to an emu.

Stupid fucking emu.

The female lays up to 20 eggs, which are large and are soft dark green in colour (a nest can be up to 1.5 metres wide). These eggs are often prized not only by humans for decoration pieces, but by animals as a food source. The male incubates the eggs for a period of 7-8 weeks, and does not leave the nest for this period. When the eggs hatch, the male emu looks after the hatchlings for another six months.

When they make a noise, it sounds like a blocked drain trying to clear itself out.

The Goblin (anti christ, spawn of satan)

Possibly the most dangerous of all animals in Australia, the Goblin gives off the impression that she is cute, fluffy and butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.

Do NOT be deceived people.

We have eye witness accounts of her bringing down the family dog, making older cats cry and we’re pretty sure she was the one responsible for bailing Cheyenne up in a corner for three hours when Cheyenne made the mistake of opening up a tin of Spaghetti Oops and the Goblin thought it was cat food.

The Goblin is a ferocious hunter and it is not unusual to hear any one of the family members suddenly screaming out an expletive as they nurse a bleeding thumb, usually brought upon by the Goblin when a human has made the mistake of cutting up meat on the kitchen counter and not bothered to share the icky fatty bits with the Goblin.

It is not uncommon for humans to count their fingers after hand-feeding the Goblin – just to make sure a digit wasn’t taken during the feeding frenzy.

Many, MANY band aids have given their lives because of the Goblin – torn out of sterile packages way before their time.

We grieve for the band aids, and our fingers.

Quokka (Setonix branchyuras)

Yes, they really are this bloody cute.  Don’t you just wanna steal one and hug it and pet it and call it George?

The Quokka is found in Western Australia, mainly on Rottnest Island (near Perth). They also exist in small groups on the mainland in bushland surrounding Perth. They thrive in a warm climate, living among bushland in tall grass. They create their own trails and paths for feeding and escaping predators.

Quokkas resemble a small wallaby, with small rounded ears, and brown or greyish fur. These animals breed year round, and have a gestation period of 4 months before a new joey is born. The joey lives in its mother’s pouch for the first 25 weeks of its life. After leaving the pouch, the joey continues to suckle at its mother’s teets for a further 10 weeks.

Quokkas feed at night on grasses or leaves, however they can go for long periods of time without feeding or water.  Quokkas also recycle a small amount of their bodies waste products.

The Quokka is damn cute and damn fluffy – one of the few animals indigenous to Australia who don’t try to kill you, so to all those assholes in Australia who think it’s fun to play “Quokka Soccer“, you’re an asshole and one can only hope that, one day, a stray bullet finds its way into your skull and you die a slow and painful death.

As a wrap up, there are many, many, MANY animals indigenous to Australia, and new fauna is being discovered all the time.  I’ve only named a few because, contrary to popular belief, I do have a life and naming everything would take too damn long.